“If you love me like you say, baby, why you treat me like you do?” That is the cry of a man whose marriage is swamped by poor communication. She tells him she loves him, but not in any language that he can understand.
Now, the importance of good communication in marriage should be immediately obvious: You can’t live in the same house with someone, sharing everything and being intimate and everything else associated with marriage if you can’t communicate!
There are two basic responsibilities for communication in marriage. If I want to be understood, the responsibility lies with me to speak in a language my hearers will understand. It’s the same with marriage. If you want good communication, the responsibility lies with you. It doesn’t matter if your spouse doesn’t communicate well, it is your responsibility to communicate in a language that they understand.
However, if I want to even have the right to communicate with my spouse in the first place, it is also my responsibility to communicate respectfully. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” . . . . yeah, right. A well-chosen word, said with just the right inflection and tone . . . that word can cut deeper than any sword.
I’d be willing to say that most of marriage’s communication collapses involve one or both of those two responsibilities. Instead, our communication with our spouse should be guided by a Godly love for one another. Think of the last conversation you had with your husband, your wife, and then measure that conversation up against these words of St. Paul.
1 Corinthians 13:1-8a: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.”
Yes . . . we could all use a lesson in how to communicate love and respect to our spouse.
Communication—sharing meaning—can only benefit both you and your marriage. Good communication not only invites intimacy—both emotional and sometimes physical—but it also helps to foster intimacy in marriage, as well.
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a fantastic book on how to express heartfelt commitment to your spouse. It’s called The Five Love Languages, and in that book Dr. Chapman shows how each of us has a natural way of communicating love in marriage. Now this isn’t some earth-shattering news, after all, everybody knows that the five languages of marriage are nag, harp, whine, complain, and shout, right?
Okay, that’s a bit of a joke, but seriously, your spouse has a distinct love language. When you learn what that language is and begin to speak in it, they will finally understand that you are loving them. This is valuable information! This will be good for you and your marriage! So write these down. The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
King Solomon—the man who the Bible says is the wisest man that ever lived—said in Proverbs 12:25, “ 25 An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” For the man or woman whose primary love language is a word of affirmation, a kind word can make their entire week. This love language is very easy to start doing right now. “Thanks for dinner. I really appreciate you cooking tonight.” “You always do such a good job of mowing the lawn.” “You look good in that dress.” Or even just “good job!” Start looking for opportunities to praise your spouse.
If you don’t know where to start, begin by making a list of things that you appreciate about your spouse. Write down things they do well. Write down things they don’t do well, but you appreciate the fact that you don’t have to do them! In no time at all you’ll have a good list, then make it a point to begin feeing your spouse with a diet of regular, sincere compliments. If your spouse has the love language of a word of affirmation they will notice your new attitude. Once you start feeding them compliments you will notice a change in their attitude, as well.
All of our spouses appreciate a compliment, but what some truly desire from us is quality time. These people know and appreciate all the hard work you do, but they become frustrated when they feel they have to compete with your work for attention.
Quality time is vastly different from just time. Quality time is me-and-you time. No TV, no distractions, just us two being together. This can be 20 minutes of conversation as you sit on the couch together, or it could be an annual family vacation. It could be something fancy like going to dinner at a nice restaurant and then going to see a play or something as simple as meeting for lunch at McDonald’s. But no matter what the event is, quality time should say communicate to your spouse, “I have deliberately made time for you in my schedule. This is your time, and I have cleared away any distractions just to spend it with you.”
The third love language is receiving gifts. Several years ago it was my habit on Monday nights to get off work and go spend an hour or so at the archery range just down the street from my job. It was my personal time to relax. But each and every week, on the way home, I would stop and pick up a single rose for Stephanie. The first week she was surprised. The second week she was intrigued. By the third week she actually looked forward to me shooting on Mondays because she knew that when I came home I’d have a rose for her.
Do you know what kind of mileage I got out of that rose? Not once did we ever have an argument about me going to the archery range instead of coming right home after work. Why? Because through that rose I communicated love and appreciation for her. When your spouse has the love language of receiving gifts, a tangible, regular little gift communicates something to them. It says, “I love you. Here is tangible proof.” And unless you’re a millionaire, it doesn’t even have to be an expensive gift. Gary Chapman says that even if you are dead broke you can still pull a piece of paper out of the trash at work and make a little heart-shaped card. To the receiver, it truly is the thought that counts.
But you know what? Although I tend to give gifts as a natural love language, Stephanie’s language of receiving love is acts of service. You know what our biggest fights (oops, a pastor isn’t supposed to fight with his wife) . . . I mean, our biggest times of intense fellowship always involve? “YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE!” I should have figured out years ago that a simple act of doing the dishes or vacuuming the living room without being asked communicated volumes of love to my wife!
But instead we spent years going back and forth, with me never understanding that doing a few things around the house was to her more than just doing some chores to keep the place clean. To her, doing the dishes says “I love you” to her louder and clearer than if I advertised it on a giant billboard. If your spouse has the love language of acts of service a few seemingly menial tasks can make a major difference in your relationship.
We have known for years and years that physical touch is a powerful way of communicating love. Research indicates that babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop both emotionally and physically far better than those who are left alone with no physical contact. At funerals you see quite a few people who would normally never go beyond a handshake embrace in a big, comfort-giving hug. Loving physical contact is a powerful communicator.
Does your spouse talk in this love language? If so, how can you communicate love to them? ________________ Holding hands . . . kissing . . . how about a little shoulder rub? Or a playful swat on the behind as you walk by them? Love touches can be brief and implicit, like touching his hand as you pour a cup of coffee or a good-bye kiss in the morning, or they can be long and deliberate like a passionate kiss . . . or what a passionate kiss can lead to.
All of these five love languages are powerful ways to communicate love to your spouse. But let me remind you of one simple truth of communication: listen before you speak. Learn to “listen” to your spouses needs and then speak to those needs using their love language. If you listen first, you won’t give a gift of a vacuum cleaner when what she really wanted was a simple rose. If you listen first, you won’t try to take him to the opera when what he really wanted was to take a walk through the park. Remember: love is patient. Love is not self-seeking. Take the time to learn your spouse’s love language and learn to speak it in a way that communicates to them that you love them.
As we begin to wrap up the sermon, though, I want to remind you that communication in marriage isn’t just a two-way conversation. Communication in a Christian marriage is a three-way conversation.
Jesus said in Matthew 18:20, “20 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” How did the pastor begin your wedding? He probably said, “We are gathered here in the presence of God and His church . . .” I truly do believe that Christ is present in the Christian’s marriage because they are gathered and united in His name. That makes communication in your marriage a three-way conversation: You, your spouse, and Jesus Christ.
There are two things that married couples should regularly practice to facilitate that three-way conversation. The first is one we should know. I was reminded last week that “the couple that prays together stays together.” In prayer, you and your spouse talk together with Jesus Christ.
That can be scary! In prayer, there is no way to hide, to bluff. Prayer with your spouse can be an intensely intimate moment. In prayer we are laid open before God . . . and our spouse sees us at a very emotionally transparent moment. But that sort of spiritual transparency is essential to a solid Christian marriage. Pray with your spouse on a regular basis. Pray for your marriage. Pray for your kids, if you have any. Pray for your families, your parents, for anything and everything that you face together as a couple. The three-way conversation of prayer in marriage will keep you together through the roughest of storms.
But in prayer and marriage both we often find that we have offended. We find that we have sinned. Before God, there is only one proper response to sin, and that is to acknowledge it and receive His forgiveness. For that reason, we begin every worship service with Confession and Absolution . . . and I’m asking you to practice that at home with your spouse.
I had a seminary professor—one of my favorites—that mentioned once that he and his wife practiced mutual confession and absolution every night before they went to bed. And with his tongue firmly planted in his cheek, he said, “I recommend against mutual confession and absolution with your wife . . . it robs you of all your power.” He was joking, of course, but the point is clear: Confessing your sins to your spouse and receiving their forgiveness is a humbling act. It reminds both you and your spouse that you are imperfect, that you fall short of being the perfect husband, the perfect wife, and that you wish to receive forgiveness for when you have fallen short.
But in the three-way conversation of confession and absolution, something special happens to married couples. Imagine the closeness, the transparency, the intimacy of sitting in front of your wife, in front of your husband and listening quietly as they humbly tell you where they did not measure up to God’s standards that day. Where they had given you offense. To hear them say that they desire your forgiveness. Yours! And, looking them right in the eye, you lay your hand upon their head and respond with the words, “In the stead and by the command of my Lord Jesus Christ . . . I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Go in peace and serve the Lord.”
Think of the gift you can give your spouse in that moment! Think of the peace they can have, knowing that you have spoken the very forgiveness of Christ to them! Imagine what will happen when they wake up the next day. The sense of empowerment they will have knowing that they are right with God and right with you, that they stand together with you upon the solid rock of Jesus Christ, and all other ground is shifting sand. Is your marriage going to flounder, or flourish? With the power of Christ granted to you through confession and absolution, your marriage will positively thrive.
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