The sermon opened up with a brief audio clip of Albert Collins' song, "Master Charge". Lyrics are as follows:
Got my wife a charge card, just the other day
I owe five hundred dollars just from yesterday.
I said, "Honey, here's a present, go out and shop around . . .
Buy you a couple dresses and browse around downtown."
She did just what I told her, bought 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . .
Came home lookin' silly, making googoo eyes at me.
Master Charge . . . Bank Americard
Master Charge . . . Bank Americard
Master Charge . . . Bank Americard
Funny song . . . but not nearly so funny when it’s real life, real arguments, real bills, and a real marriage. Christian financial counselor Dave Ramsey says that the old saw about finances being the number one reason couples get divorced is absolutely true. He says, “The arguments may not appear to be directly about money; ultimately you're fighting about priorities, values, dreams, trust. But it's all linked with finances.”
There are more Bible verses dealing with the topic of money than any other single topic. More Bible verses on money than on baptism. More on money than on lust. More on money than on salvation. It’s clear from the Scriptures that God gives us money and the ability to make money, and that He expects us to put it to good use. We are, after all, just stewards of the money that in reality belongs to Him. So how are we handling that money?
Last fall, Marriage Partnership surveyed nearly 2,900 married people about their finances. Among others, they asked these questions:
Q: In an emergency, how long could your family live on your savings?
Just under half—only 43 percent—of the people interviewed said they could live for less than a month on their savings. A total of only 6 percent said they could live for seven to twelve months.
Q: Do you currently have credit card debt?
56 percent said “Yes.” The average credit card debt in the American household, by the way, is over $8000. At an interest rate of 18%, $8000 dollars in credit card debt would take over twenty-five years to repay and, in the end, cost more than $24,000. And over half of the people interviewed acknowledged that they carried credit card debt.
No savings and large debt; that would create financial difficulties—and the marriage problems that accompany them—in any circumstance. But the problem gets even worse when there isn’t trust regarding those finances.
Q: How much do you trust your spouse when it comes to money?
"Completely" say 58 percent of husbands . . . but only 40 percent of wives.
Money problems stack the deck against your marriage! But on the upside, when money is properly handled according to God’s rules for good stewardship, your marriage will be on stronger footing than it was before. As I was searching for good information for this topic, I came across a study from Rick Warren where he details four Biblical foundations for managing money in marriage. Let’s take a quick look at those four foundations for managing your money before it manages you.
The first principle is keep good records. Proverbs 27:23-24 says, “ 23Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; 24 for riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations.”
We’ve all heard people say—and probably said it ourselves from time to time, for that matter--, “I just don't know where my money goes!” How many of you would agree that ignorance regarding your herd—your finances—can get you in a lot of trouble? Ignorance plus easy credit—when you don’t know where the money is going but you’ve got plenty of ways to spend it—that equals a stewardship catastrophe.
So as good stewards you and your spouse together should know the condition of your flocks: you should keep good financial records. Good financial records include knowing:
1. What you own.
2. What you owe.
3. What you earn.
4. And if you don’t know where the money goes, you need to learn. You need to track your expenditures.
Until you know those things, you're in the dark. The Bible says there is no way you can successfully manage your finances if you don't know the condition of your herds, if you haven't kept good records.
The second principle of good finances in marriage is to plan your spending. Yes, it’s a dirty word, one that most people never mention in polite company, but I’m going to say it any way: Budget.
A budget allows you the freedom to control your spending rather than have it control you. Proverbs 21:17 says, “17 He who loves pleasure will become poor; whoever loves wine and oil will never be rich.” Now the point of the Christian life isn’t to become rich, but the point of this Bible verse is to remind us that uncontrolled money is wasted money. What is a budget? Planned spending. A budget is planned spending. The person who doesn't plan -- he just hastily spends it -- ends in poverty. Together, you and your spouse should plan your spending.
The third foundation for marriage and money is to enjoy what you have now. This is the principle of contentment. Howard Hughes was once asked how much money would be enough, and you know what he said? “Just a little bit more.” One more dollar. One more car. One more vacation. We tend to search for contentment by getting more, but 1 Timothy 6:6 says, “6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.”
There was a time, many years ago, when money at our house was extremely tight. We wanted more than what we could have and it caused tension. It caused friction. Heck . . . it caused fights. It was after one of those fights that I remembered God’s word in Proverbs 15:16-17. I decided then that money problems weren’t worth the tension they caused in my house. Love is far better than money. And so I made dinner with what we had in the house. Chicken noodle soup made from spaghetti noodles, some chicken bouillon, and hot water. And I called the children to the table and read them that verse. Proverbs 15:16-17, “Better a little with the fear of the LORD than great wealth with turmoil. 17 Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.” I don’t care how much money I’ll ever have, I’d rather have a Godly contentment in my house than riches any day.
The fourth foundation is found in Proverbs 3:9. “9 Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops.” Firstfruit giving is tithing. Simply put, it means that before you give to anyone or anything else, before you pay yourself or your bills, you take a set portion of your income and return that to God in thanks for what He has provided. Yes, it can be difficult at times. Yes, it does require discipline. Yes, I’m sure that you look at your finances right now and can’t imagine how in the world you would start giving a regular portion to God. But you need to do it anyway.
One, because it’s Biblical. Deuteronomy 14:23 teaches us that the purpose of tithing is to teach you to put God first in every area of your life. We could look through a dozens of more verses on the subject, but the fact of the matter is, it’s there. It’s in the Bible.
Two, I want you and your spouse to agree on tithing because your willingness to tithe reflects your faith in Christ. To tithe is to trust God at His Word.
Tithing is like the old man who was walking across the Mojave Desert. It didn’t look like he was going to make it, and as he was dying of thirst and he came upon this old, rickety, sixty year old handle pump there in the desert. It didn't look like it would work. But there was a wooden sign that said, “If you're thirsty, dig one foot down in the ground and there's a glass jar filled with water. Take that glass jar and poor it into the pump and pump like crazy for a minute and a half and you'll have all the water you need. Then fill up the glass and bury it for the next person.”
The man came to this and he had to decide. The pump needed to be primed in order for it to work. The question was, was he going to drink that glass that he could count on, or was he going to sacrifice that glass to prime the pump and believe that he would then have more than he could handle? What would you do?
These four principles—keeping good records, planning your spending, enjoying what you have now, and tithing—they will go a long way towards keeping your marriage financially fit. I’d recommend them to everybody. But there’s one more that I’d specifically like to add. A fifth foundation, if you will, and that is: go into debt.
We’ve talked a fair bit about marriage in the past few weeks. We’ve talked about God’s design for your marriage, we’ve talked about how to keep the lines of communication open. But the one thing we haven’t really talked about is the reason you got married in the first place: love. And that is where I want you to go into debt.
Romans 13:8 says, “8 Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.”
Look at your husband . . . look at your wife. I don’t care what kind of troubles you’ve had during your marriage; we’ve all had them. But right now I want you to put those out of your mind. I just want you to think of all they’ve done for you over the years. When they’ve been there for you. When they’ve cared for you. When they’ve supported you. Think about that, and then answer this question:
Do you honestly think you’re worthy of all the love they’ve shown you?
Think back to your wedding vows—to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. Have you been faithful in living up to those grand words each and every day of your marriage? No, I don’t suppose so. And yet for whatever reason, they’re still married to you. Despite the rough times, despite the rocky roads, despite the fact that you are sometimes just downright unlovable . . . they’re still sticking around. You’re still being loved by your spouse. You are loved. Let no debt remain outstanding . . . except the debt of love you owe one another.
But sometimes we have a little more difficulty remembering the good times. Sometimes the one relationship that’s supposed to be better than anything else in the world brings us the worst pain instead. I hear your pain . . . I know what you’re going through. And you might wonder, “Pastor, can we ever get back what we once had? Can there ever be restoration to our marriage?”
And to that I’d say, “No . . . you can never go back. Sometimes there can’t be restoration . . . but there can be redemption.”
Christ didn’t die for nothing. He didn’t look down from Heaven, see us in the sorry state we’ve gotten ourselves into, and become one of us so that we could stay stuck in the muck and the mire of our own sin. He didn’t die so that we can continue to live in bad marriages. But neither did He die so that we can have a time machine and do it all over, only right this time. He died to redeem us from our past. To give us hope and a future.
Christ knows where you’ve failed. He knows when you haven’t lived up to your marriage vows. He knows when you have failed to truly love your spouse. He knows that, and still for some reason He chooses to redeem you, to redeem you and your marriage, and give you a fresh start. Okay, so maybe you didn’t live up to the vows you made a few years ago . . . but can you say it today? Can you receive Christ’s redemption and say it for today? “I take you to have and to hold from this day forward”?
Even for God, yesterday is gone. He’s not about to change what was, but He is willing to redeem your yesterdays in Christ and give you a new today. Those old pains, those old arguments . . . they don’t have to matter anymore, because Christ wants to redeem your past. In Christ, you can have a new marriage, one that starts today.
1 John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 13 We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.
Let us pray . . .
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Singin' the Marriage Blues: If you love me like you say, baby, why you treat me like you do?
“If you love me like you say, baby, why you treat me like you do?” That is the cry of a man whose marriage is swamped by poor communication. She tells him she loves him, but not in any language that he can understand.
Now, the importance of good communication in marriage should be immediately obvious: You can’t live in the same house with someone, sharing everything and being intimate and everything else associated with marriage if you can’t communicate!
There are two basic responsibilities for communication in marriage. If I want to be understood, the responsibility lies with me to speak in a language my hearers will understand. It’s the same with marriage. If you want good communication, the responsibility lies with you. It doesn’t matter if your spouse doesn’t communicate well, it is your responsibility to communicate in a language that they understand.
However, if I want to even have the right to communicate with my spouse in the first place, it is also my responsibility to communicate respectfully. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” . . . . yeah, right. A well-chosen word, said with just the right inflection and tone . . . that word can cut deeper than any sword.
I’d be willing to say that most of marriage’s communication collapses involve one or both of those two responsibilities. Instead, our communication with our spouse should be guided by a Godly love for one another. Think of the last conversation you had with your husband, your wife, and then measure that conversation up against these words of St. Paul.
1 Corinthians 13:1-8a: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.”
Yes . . . we could all use a lesson in how to communicate love and respect to our spouse.
Communication—sharing meaning—can only benefit both you and your marriage. Good communication not only invites intimacy—both emotional and sometimes physical—but it also helps to foster intimacy in marriage, as well.
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a fantastic book on how to express heartfelt commitment to your spouse. It’s called The Five Love Languages, and in that book Dr. Chapman shows how each of us has a natural way of communicating love in marriage. Now this isn’t some earth-shattering news, after all, everybody knows that the five languages of marriage are nag, harp, whine, complain, and shout, right?
Okay, that’s a bit of a joke, but seriously, your spouse has a distinct love language. When you learn what that language is and begin to speak in it, they will finally understand that you are loving them. This is valuable information! This will be good for you and your marriage! So write these down. The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
King Solomon—the man who the Bible says is the wisest man that ever lived—said in Proverbs 12:25, “ 25 An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” For the man or woman whose primary love language is a word of affirmation, a kind word can make their entire week. This love language is very easy to start doing right now. “Thanks for dinner. I really appreciate you cooking tonight.” “You always do such a good job of mowing the lawn.” “You look good in that dress.” Or even just “good job!” Start looking for opportunities to praise your spouse.
If you don’t know where to start, begin by making a list of things that you appreciate about your spouse. Write down things they do well. Write down things they don’t do well, but you appreciate the fact that you don’t have to do them! In no time at all you’ll have a good list, then make it a point to begin feeing your spouse with a diet of regular, sincere compliments. If your spouse has the love language of a word of affirmation they will notice your new attitude. Once you start feeding them compliments you will notice a change in their attitude, as well.
All of our spouses appreciate a compliment, but what some truly desire from us is quality time. These people know and appreciate all the hard work you do, but they become frustrated when they feel they have to compete with your work for attention.
Quality time is vastly different from just time. Quality time is me-and-you time. No TV, no distractions, just us two being together. This can be 20 minutes of conversation as you sit on the couch together, or it could be an annual family vacation. It could be something fancy like going to dinner at a nice restaurant and then going to see a play or something as simple as meeting for lunch at McDonald’s. But no matter what the event is, quality time should say communicate to your spouse, “I have deliberately made time for you in my schedule. This is your time, and I have cleared away any distractions just to spend it with you.”
The third love language is receiving gifts. Several years ago it was my habit on Monday nights to get off work and go spend an hour or so at the archery range just down the street from my job. It was my personal time to relax. But each and every week, on the way home, I would stop and pick up a single rose for Stephanie. The first week she was surprised. The second week she was intrigued. By the third week she actually looked forward to me shooting on Mondays because she knew that when I came home I’d have a rose for her.
Do you know what kind of mileage I got out of that rose? Not once did we ever have an argument about me going to the archery range instead of coming right home after work. Why? Because through that rose I communicated love and appreciation for her. When your spouse has the love language of receiving gifts, a tangible, regular little gift communicates something to them. It says, “I love you. Here is tangible proof.” And unless you’re a millionaire, it doesn’t even have to be an expensive gift. Gary Chapman says that even if you are dead broke you can still pull a piece of paper out of the trash at work and make a little heart-shaped card. To the receiver, it truly is the thought that counts.
But you know what? Although I tend to give gifts as a natural love language, Stephanie’s language of receiving love is acts of service. You know what our biggest fights (oops, a pastor isn’t supposed to fight with his wife) . . . I mean, our biggest times of intense fellowship always involve? “YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE!” I should have figured out years ago that a simple act of doing the dishes or vacuuming the living room without being asked communicated volumes of love to my wife!
But instead we spent years going back and forth, with me never understanding that doing a few things around the house was to her more than just doing some chores to keep the place clean. To her, doing the dishes says “I love you” to her louder and clearer than if I advertised it on a giant billboard. If your spouse has the love language of acts of service a few seemingly menial tasks can make a major difference in your relationship.
We have known for years and years that physical touch is a powerful way of communicating love. Research indicates that babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop both emotionally and physically far better than those who are left alone with no physical contact. At funerals you see quite a few people who would normally never go beyond a handshake embrace in a big, comfort-giving hug. Loving physical contact is a powerful communicator.
Does your spouse talk in this love language? If so, how can you communicate love to them? ________________ Holding hands . . . kissing . . . how about a little shoulder rub? Or a playful swat on the behind as you walk by them? Love touches can be brief and implicit, like touching his hand as you pour a cup of coffee or a good-bye kiss in the morning, or they can be long and deliberate like a passionate kiss . . . or what a passionate kiss can lead to.
All of these five love languages are powerful ways to communicate love to your spouse. But let me remind you of one simple truth of communication: listen before you speak. Learn to “listen” to your spouses needs and then speak to those needs using their love language. If you listen first, you won’t give a gift of a vacuum cleaner when what she really wanted was a simple rose. If you listen first, you won’t try to take him to the opera when what he really wanted was to take a walk through the park. Remember: love is patient. Love is not self-seeking. Take the time to learn your spouse’s love language and learn to speak it in a way that communicates to them that you love them.
As we begin to wrap up the sermon, though, I want to remind you that communication in marriage isn’t just a two-way conversation. Communication in a Christian marriage is a three-way conversation.
Jesus said in Matthew 18:20, “20 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” How did the pastor begin your wedding? He probably said, “We are gathered here in the presence of God and His church . . .” I truly do believe that Christ is present in the Christian’s marriage because they are gathered and united in His name. That makes communication in your marriage a three-way conversation: You, your spouse, and Jesus Christ.
There are two things that married couples should regularly practice to facilitate that three-way conversation. The first is one we should know. I was reminded last week that “the couple that prays together stays together.” In prayer, you and your spouse talk together with Jesus Christ.
That can be scary! In prayer, there is no way to hide, to bluff. Prayer with your spouse can be an intensely intimate moment. In prayer we are laid open before God . . . and our spouse sees us at a very emotionally transparent moment. But that sort of spiritual transparency is essential to a solid Christian marriage. Pray with your spouse on a regular basis. Pray for your marriage. Pray for your kids, if you have any. Pray for your families, your parents, for anything and everything that you face together as a couple. The three-way conversation of prayer in marriage will keep you together through the roughest of storms.
But in prayer and marriage both we often find that we have offended. We find that we have sinned. Before God, there is only one proper response to sin, and that is to acknowledge it and receive His forgiveness. For that reason, we begin every worship service with Confession and Absolution . . . and I’m asking you to practice that at home with your spouse.
I had a seminary professor—one of my favorites—that mentioned once that he and his wife practiced mutual confession and absolution every night before they went to bed. And with his tongue firmly planted in his cheek, he said, “I recommend against mutual confession and absolution with your wife . . . it robs you of all your power.” He was joking, of course, but the point is clear: Confessing your sins to your spouse and receiving their forgiveness is a humbling act. It reminds both you and your spouse that you are imperfect, that you fall short of being the perfect husband, the perfect wife, and that you wish to receive forgiveness for when you have fallen short.
But in the three-way conversation of confession and absolution, something special happens to married couples. Imagine the closeness, the transparency, the intimacy of sitting in front of your wife, in front of your husband and listening quietly as they humbly tell you where they did not measure up to God’s standards that day. Where they had given you offense. To hear them say that they desire your forgiveness. Yours! And, looking them right in the eye, you lay your hand upon their head and respond with the words, “In the stead and by the command of my Lord Jesus Christ . . . I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Go in peace and serve the Lord.”
Think of the gift you can give your spouse in that moment! Think of the peace they can have, knowing that you have spoken the very forgiveness of Christ to them! Imagine what will happen when they wake up the next day. The sense of empowerment they will have knowing that they are right with God and right with you, that they stand together with you upon the solid rock of Jesus Christ, and all other ground is shifting sand. Is your marriage going to flounder, or flourish? With the power of Christ granted to you through confession and absolution, your marriage will positively thrive.
Now, the importance of good communication in marriage should be immediately obvious: You can’t live in the same house with someone, sharing everything and being intimate and everything else associated with marriage if you can’t communicate!
There are two basic responsibilities for communication in marriage. If I want to be understood, the responsibility lies with me to speak in a language my hearers will understand. It’s the same with marriage. If you want good communication, the responsibility lies with you. It doesn’t matter if your spouse doesn’t communicate well, it is your responsibility to communicate in a language that they understand.
However, if I want to even have the right to communicate with my spouse in the first place, it is also my responsibility to communicate respectfully. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” . . . . yeah, right. A well-chosen word, said with just the right inflection and tone . . . that word can cut deeper than any sword.
I’d be willing to say that most of marriage’s communication collapses involve one or both of those two responsibilities. Instead, our communication with our spouse should be guided by a Godly love for one another. Think of the last conversation you had with your husband, your wife, and then measure that conversation up against these words of St. Paul.
1 Corinthians 13:1-8a: “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.”
Yes . . . we could all use a lesson in how to communicate love and respect to our spouse.
Communication—sharing meaning—can only benefit both you and your marriage. Good communication not only invites intimacy—both emotional and sometimes physical—but it also helps to foster intimacy in marriage, as well.
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a fantastic book on how to express heartfelt commitment to your spouse. It’s called The Five Love Languages, and in that book Dr. Chapman shows how each of us has a natural way of communicating love in marriage. Now this isn’t some earth-shattering news, after all, everybody knows that the five languages of marriage are nag, harp, whine, complain, and shout, right?
Okay, that’s a bit of a joke, but seriously, your spouse has a distinct love language. When you learn what that language is and begin to speak in it, they will finally understand that you are loving them. This is valuable information! This will be good for you and your marriage! So write these down. The five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
King Solomon—the man who the Bible says is the wisest man that ever lived—said in Proverbs 12:25, “ 25 An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.” For the man or woman whose primary love language is a word of affirmation, a kind word can make their entire week. This love language is very easy to start doing right now. “Thanks for dinner. I really appreciate you cooking tonight.” “You always do such a good job of mowing the lawn.” “You look good in that dress.” Or even just “good job!” Start looking for opportunities to praise your spouse.
If you don’t know where to start, begin by making a list of things that you appreciate about your spouse. Write down things they do well. Write down things they don’t do well, but you appreciate the fact that you don’t have to do them! In no time at all you’ll have a good list, then make it a point to begin feeing your spouse with a diet of regular, sincere compliments. If your spouse has the love language of a word of affirmation they will notice your new attitude. Once you start feeding them compliments you will notice a change in their attitude, as well.
All of our spouses appreciate a compliment, but what some truly desire from us is quality time. These people know and appreciate all the hard work you do, but they become frustrated when they feel they have to compete with your work for attention.
Quality time is vastly different from just time. Quality time is me-and-you time. No TV, no distractions, just us two being together. This can be 20 minutes of conversation as you sit on the couch together, or it could be an annual family vacation. It could be something fancy like going to dinner at a nice restaurant and then going to see a play or something as simple as meeting for lunch at McDonald’s. But no matter what the event is, quality time should say communicate to your spouse, “I have deliberately made time for you in my schedule. This is your time, and I have cleared away any distractions just to spend it with you.”
The third love language is receiving gifts. Several years ago it was my habit on Monday nights to get off work and go spend an hour or so at the archery range just down the street from my job. It was my personal time to relax. But each and every week, on the way home, I would stop and pick up a single rose for Stephanie. The first week she was surprised. The second week she was intrigued. By the third week she actually looked forward to me shooting on Mondays because she knew that when I came home I’d have a rose for her.
Do you know what kind of mileage I got out of that rose? Not once did we ever have an argument about me going to the archery range instead of coming right home after work. Why? Because through that rose I communicated love and appreciation for her. When your spouse has the love language of receiving gifts, a tangible, regular little gift communicates something to them. It says, “I love you. Here is tangible proof.” And unless you’re a millionaire, it doesn’t even have to be an expensive gift. Gary Chapman says that even if you are dead broke you can still pull a piece of paper out of the trash at work and make a little heart-shaped card. To the receiver, it truly is the thought that counts.
But you know what? Although I tend to give gifts as a natural love language, Stephanie’s language of receiving love is acts of service. You know what our biggest fights (oops, a pastor isn’t supposed to fight with his wife) . . . I mean, our biggest times of intense fellowship always involve? “YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE!” I should have figured out years ago that a simple act of doing the dishes or vacuuming the living room without being asked communicated volumes of love to my wife!
But instead we spent years going back and forth, with me never understanding that doing a few things around the house was to her more than just doing some chores to keep the place clean. To her, doing the dishes says “I love you” to her louder and clearer than if I advertised it on a giant billboard. If your spouse has the love language of acts of service a few seemingly menial tasks can make a major difference in your relationship.
We have known for years and years that physical touch is a powerful way of communicating love. Research indicates that babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop both emotionally and physically far better than those who are left alone with no physical contact. At funerals you see quite a few people who would normally never go beyond a handshake embrace in a big, comfort-giving hug. Loving physical contact is a powerful communicator.
Does your spouse talk in this love language? If so, how can you communicate love to them? ________________ Holding hands . . . kissing . . . how about a little shoulder rub? Or a playful swat on the behind as you walk by them? Love touches can be brief and implicit, like touching his hand as you pour a cup of coffee or a good-bye kiss in the morning, or they can be long and deliberate like a passionate kiss . . . or what a passionate kiss can lead to.
All of these five love languages are powerful ways to communicate love to your spouse. But let me remind you of one simple truth of communication: listen before you speak. Learn to “listen” to your spouses needs and then speak to those needs using their love language. If you listen first, you won’t give a gift of a vacuum cleaner when what she really wanted was a simple rose. If you listen first, you won’t try to take him to the opera when what he really wanted was to take a walk through the park. Remember: love is patient. Love is not self-seeking. Take the time to learn your spouse’s love language and learn to speak it in a way that communicates to them that you love them.
As we begin to wrap up the sermon, though, I want to remind you that communication in marriage isn’t just a two-way conversation. Communication in a Christian marriage is a three-way conversation.
Jesus said in Matthew 18:20, “20 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” How did the pastor begin your wedding? He probably said, “We are gathered here in the presence of God and His church . . .” I truly do believe that Christ is present in the Christian’s marriage because they are gathered and united in His name. That makes communication in your marriage a three-way conversation: You, your spouse, and Jesus Christ.
There are two things that married couples should regularly practice to facilitate that three-way conversation. The first is one we should know. I was reminded last week that “the couple that prays together stays together.” In prayer, you and your spouse talk together with Jesus Christ.
That can be scary! In prayer, there is no way to hide, to bluff. Prayer with your spouse can be an intensely intimate moment. In prayer we are laid open before God . . . and our spouse sees us at a very emotionally transparent moment. But that sort of spiritual transparency is essential to a solid Christian marriage. Pray with your spouse on a regular basis. Pray for your marriage. Pray for your kids, if you have any. Pray for your families, your parents, for anything and everything that you face together as a couple. The three-way conversation of prayer in marriage will keep you together through the roughest of storms.
But in prayer and marriage both we often find that we have offended. We find that we have sinned. Before God, there is only one proper response to sin, and that is to acknowledge it and receive His forgiveness. For that reason, we begin every worship service with Confession and Absolution . . . and I’m asking you to practice that at home with your spouse.
I had a seminary professor—one of my favorites—that mentioned once that he and his wife practiced mutual confession and absolution every night before they went to bed. And with his tongue firmly planted in his cheek, he said, “I recommend against mutual confession and absolution with your wife . . . it robs you of all your power.” He was joking, of course, but the point is clear: Confessing your sins to your spouse and receiving their forgiveness is a humbling act. It reminds both you and your spouse that you are imperfect, that you fall short of being the perfect husband, the perfect wife, and that you wish to receive forgiveness for when you have fallen short.
But in the three-way conversation of confession and absolution, something special happens to married couples. Imagine the closeness, the transparency, the intimacy of sitting in front of your wife, in front of your husband and listening quietly as they humbly tell you where they did not measure up to God’s standards that day. Where they had given you offense. To hear them say that they desire your forgiveness. Yours! And, looking them right in the eye, you lay your hand upon their head and respond with the words, “In the stead and by the command of my Lord Jesus Christ . . . I forgive you all your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Go in peace and serve the Lord.”
Think of the gift you can give your spouse in that moment! Think of the peace they can have, knowing that you have spoken the very forgiveness of Christ to them! Imagine what will happen when they wake up the next day. The sense of empowerment they will have knowing that they are right with God and right with you, that they stand together with you upon the solid rock of Jesus Christ, and all other ground is shifting sand. Is your marriage going to flounder, or flourish? With the power of Christ granted to you through confession and absolution, your marriage will positively thrive.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Singin' the Marriage Blues: God's Design for Marriage
The sermon opened with a brief audio clip from Keb Mo's song, "I don't know". Lyrics are:
You tell me that you love me
That you really care
We've talked it out and we did our best
and still it ain't going nowhere
It feels like our forever just ended yesterday
And all our tomorrow's were simply tossed away
Should I stay
or should I go?
I . . . don't . . . know
A good blues tune is a gift from God. Yeah, I truly do believe that! A good blues song deals with the problems of living life day-to-day. The shuffling rhythm, the blue notes coming from a guitar, they can take those problems and let them melt away. A good blues song can poke fun at a sad situation or give a voice to an aching inside. Nobody gets through life without singing the blues.
But what happens when you aren’t just singing the blues, but you start living them? When relationships go wrong? What happens when marriage isn’t everything you thought it would be? When, like the singer in the song I just played, you ask, “Should I stay . . . or should I go? . . . I . . . don’t . . . know.” What happens when you’re living the marriage blues?
That’s the question we’re going to try to get after during the next three weeks. Now I realize, of course, that even in a church our size we have a wide variety of marriage needs and experiences. We’ve got some relative newlyweds, some who have a decade or two under their belts. A few of us have the blessing of being married long enough to see grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We’ve got some soon-to-be-weds, some never-have-been-weds, and even maybe a few of “when-are-you-gonna-be?”-weds! But no matter what category you fall into, there is one thing that remains true: Good marriage require constant maintenance. They take work. I want for all of us to be equipped with some good, solid, Biblical tools so that we can have marriages that go from good to great.
Now there are any number of places we can go to get a story-book idea of what marriage is supposed to be like. But I don’t want to give out some Hollywood-inspired notion of “happily ever after.” No, in order to find out what marriage is supposed to be like we’ve got to go to a different story-book; we’ve got to go to the One who designed marriage in the first place and see what God intended marriage to be like. Turn to our Old Testament reading: Genesis, chapter two, verse eighteen.
Genesis 2:18 “18 The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’”
The very first thing that God would have us know about marriage is that it is for companionship. Adam needed a companion. He needed someone to walk beside him in life. He needed someone to be with him, someone that would make the good times sweeter and the hard times easier. That’s what marriage is about.
The Hebrew for “helper suitable” is kind of interesting there. It literally translates as “I will make a help for his opposite.” The Hebrew word is neged, and you can almost hear the word “negative”—as in photo-negative—in it. That’s the concept God is suggesting. Not a maid, but an opposite, a complement to Adam. Adam doesn’t need someone just like him. Adam doesn’t need another Adam—he’s already got one! What he needs is someone who’s strong where he’s weak. Someone who’s not the exact same as Adam, but someone that will be a valuable companion along life’s road.
James Sheridan, in his wonderful book A Blessing for the Heart: God’s Beautiful Plan for Marital Intimacy, likens this marriage of opposites to two sides of an arch. Imagine two sides of a tall, graceful arch. Which side is more important? Right; neither. You have to have both sides of an arch—even though they are opposite—to make it complete. Without both sides—both opposites—the whole thing collapses.
Put simply: You are God’s gift to your spouse. For those of you who are married or going to be married, turn to your spouse and say, “I am God’s gift to you.” Now do this, say, “You are God’s gift to me.” We need to recognize that our spouse is a gift from God. He has a purpose for bringing us together. He has a design for our marriage.
That design continues to be laid out in the next few verses. Adam, seeing his wife for the very first time, turns to her and says in Genesis 2:23-25 “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, 'for she was taken out of man.” 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
Chuck Swindoll, in his book, Strike the Original Match: Rekindling and Preserving Your Marriage Fire, notes that these verses point to four distinct aspects of God’s design for marriage: severance, permanence, unity, and intimacy. We’ll take them one at a time.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother.” That’s severance. To sever something is to cut it off. The first thing we must learn to do in marriage is sever our relationship with our parents. Now, this doesn’t mean to cut all ties completely. After all, God’s word also tells us to honor our father and mother. So God wouldn’t have us get married and then never speak to Mom and Dad again. What it means is that we must remove our parents from the role of being the central emotional and relational fixture in our lives and give that role to our spouses. Think about it . . . no woman wants a man who thinks that he’s married to his Mommy, and no man should have to compete with Daddy for his wife’s attention.
There’s a good story I’ve heard that helps illustrate this point. A mother wanted to make a point at her son’s wedding reception. As the wedding party sat at the head table and they cycled through the speeches, she waited patiently for her turn. When the time came, she didn’t say a word, but simply stood up, opened a gift box and pulled one of her favorite and best aprons out of it. She held it high for all to see . . . and cut the apron strings off of it and gave them to her daughter-in-law. This mother understood that her role as being the primary emotional support was to be severed, and she each handed over that task to her child’s spouse, just the way it should be.
The second item, permanence, comes from God’s design that a husband and wife are to be united. The old King James Version says it eloquently: the husband is to “cleave unto his wife.”
A husband and wife have the task of cleaving, of clinging to one another. Now, you don’t cling to something that isn’t permanent. Permanency gives a sense of security. If you were in an old sailing vessel during a storm and were told to cling to something to avoid being washed out into sea, I would think that you’d choose the solid, central mast rather than choosing to cling to the barrels that were about to be thrown overboard. In the same way you must also cling to your spouse as being a permanent fixture in your life.
“Till death do us part” is a permanent kind of promise! When we enter into marriage, it cannot be with the intent of trying it out for a few years to see if it will really work out. Pastor Rick Warren points wisely points out that good marriages are a result of choice, not chance. Good marriages are a result of commitments, not convenience. There is a commitment that we must make in order to have permanency in marriage.
That commitment is that divorce is not an option. “Divorce” is not a word that belongs in the married couple’s vocabulary. Now of course I understand that some people are divorced. That’s not what we’re talking about. We’re not talking about the past—forget the past! But if you are in a married relationship now or plan to be in the future, make the commitment that you will not divorce.
Now just because you’ve cut yourself off from your parents and decided that you will never divorce from your spouse, does that ensure a great marriage? No, not yet. You also have to become one flesh. You still have to work to develop unity.
As we’ve already discussed, unity does not mean uniformity. You and your spouse will not and should not be identical. Unity in marriage does not mean you will never have a difference of opinion or that you will never argue. Unity speaks of becoming one flesh.
“One flesh” has an obvious physical element to it, but we’re going to cover that in the next point. So for right now let’s stick to the single, yet powerful word become. When we strive to become one flesh in our marriage, we have unity. It is a unity of purpose.
Think about that! “One flesh” means basically “one body,” “one organism.” In a marriage, becoming one flesh means being unified in the purpose of serving the greater cause of the marriage itself. Paul puts it this way in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.” In other words, “What I want” takes a back seat to what’s best for the marriage. It implies a total unselfishness, two people setting aside their own wants and desires and instead seeking to make the marriage work. That’s unity of purpose.
The final item on our list comes from the last verse of our reading in Genesis. Genesis 2:25, “25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
I don’t think I’ve ever said it from a pulpit before, so let me say it now: It’s good to be naked with your spouse! (For that matter, it’s just kind of fun to be able to say “naked” in the pulpit! Naked! Naked! Naked! J)
Intimacy in marriage has a physical component. That’s probably what our minds jump to right away. Physical intimacy in marriage is a wonderful gift from God. As a matter of fact, if you’ve got the mind to, go home and read the Song of Solomon. You’ll find an entire book of God’s Word dedicated to nothing other than the joys of married physical intimacy. Of nakedness. But there’s more to intimacy—to nakedness—than just bedroom time.
True intimacy in marriage also has an emotional component. And just like the physical aspect, the emotional aspect is a secret that just you two share. To be emotionally naked before your spouse is to lay everything on the line. There is nothing you will choose to hide from the other. Your hopes, your dreams . . . your failures . . . your shortcomings. They’re all out there, and you become totally transparent. I accept you for what you are and I trust that you accept me in the same way.
It’s remarkable to me that there are those who would never in a hundred years think of cheating on their spouse physically, but they will gladly rob their spouse of the emotional intimacy that is to be reserved for marriage. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve heard of a man who’s unwilling to say anything more than “Hrgh” to his wife but who somehow find it acceptable to go out to lunch with the ladies in the office and he’ll talk to them about intensely private matters for hours on end. That’s nothing less than emotional adultery. It’s taking something reserved for your spouse and giving it to someone else. Let me tell you right now: save “being naked”—both physically and emotionally—save “being naked” for your spouse. That’s part of God’s design for your marriage.
We’ve covered a lot of ground today. Obviously, there’s more to talk about in the coming weeks. But I recall saying once that even if I were to get up in the pulpit and talk for an hour, it still wouldn’t be a sermon unless I talked about Christ.
Your marriage—right now—I don’t care if it’s good or bad, on the rocks or on Easy Street . . . Christ is in your marriage because through it He tells us how far He is willing to go to save us. You know how good marriage is supposed to be? How good God designed it to be? Full of self-sacrifice and undeserved, endless love? The kind of love that makes a person say, “I know without a doubt that I am loved!”? That’s the way Christ loved us in His life and on the cross. And because of that He is with you in your marriage, working to help it be the best marriage it can be, even to the point of dying for you, so that in your marriage you can understand how much Christ loves you.
In his letter to the Ephesians, the Apostle Paul speaks of marriage, of the various duties of the husband and wife, and he says, “25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church.”
Christ’s relationship with His Church is so good, so right, so beautiful, that Paul talks about marriage, and then about Christ . . . and he seems to get lost in which one he’s talking about. Paul can’t imagine a marriage without Christ, and he can’t imagine Christ without picturing marriage. That’s how Christ fits into your marriage—He loved it and gave His life for it.
Lord, we thank you for the gift of marriage. But more than that, we thank you for the gift of Jesus Christ. We thank you for His love that is always patient, always kind. We thank you that Christ’s love for us is not self-seeking and keeps no record of wrongs. In Christ, your love for us never fails. Help us to live out our marriage with that same kind of love. In Jesus’ name, amen.
You tell me that you love me
That you really care
We've talked it out and we did our best
and still it ain't going nowhere
It feels like our forever just ended yesterday
And all our tomorrow's were simply tossed away
Should I stay
or should I go?
I . . . don't . . . know
A good blues tune is a gift from God. Yeah, I truly do believe that! A good blues song deals with the problems of living life day-to-day. The shuffling rhythm, the blue notes coming from a guitar, they can take those problems and let them melt away. A good blues song can poke fun at a sad situation or give a voice to an aching inside. Nobody gets through life without singing the blues.
But what happens when you aren’t just singing the blues, but you start living them? When relationships go wrong? What happens when marriage isn’t everything you thought it would be? When, like the singer in the song I just played, you ask, “Should I stay . . . or should I go? . . . I . . . don’t . . . know.” What happens when you’re living the marriage blues?
That’s the question we’re going to try to get after during the next three weeks. Now I realize, of course, that even in a church our size we have a wide variety of marriage needs and experiences. We’ve got some relative newlyweds, some who have a decade or two under their belts. A few of us have the blessing of being married long enough to see grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We’ve got some soon-to-be-weds, some never-have-been-weds, and even maybe a few of “when-are-you-gonna-be?”-weds! But no matter what category you fall into, there is one thing that remains true: Good marriage require constant maintenance. They take work. I want for all of us to be equipped with some good, solid, Biblical tools so that we can have marriages that go from good to great.
Now there are any number of places we can go to get a story-book idea of what marriage is supposed to be like. But I don’t want to give out some Hollywood-inspired notion of “happily ever after.” No, in order to find out what marriage is supposed to be like we’ve got to go to a different story-book; we’ve got to go to the One who designed marriage in the first place and see what God intended marriage to be like. Turn to our Old Testament reading: Genesis, chapter two, verse eighteen.
Genesis 2:18 “18 The LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’”
The very first thing that God would have us know about marriage is that it is for companionship. Adam needed a companion. He needed someone to walk beside him in life. He needed someone to be with him, someone that would make the good times sweeter and the hard times easier. That’s what marriage is about.
The Hebrew for “helper suitable” is kind of interesting there. It literally translates as “I will make a help for his opposite.” The Hebrew word is neged, and you can almost hear the word “negative”—as in photo-negative—in it. That’s the concept God is suggesting. Not a maid, but an opposite, a complement to Adam. Adam doesn’t need someone just like him. Adam doesn’t need another Adam—he’s already got one! What he needs is someone who’s strong where he’s weak. Someone who’s not the exact same as Adam, but someone that will be a valuable companion along life’s road.
James Sheridan, in his wonderful book A Blessing for the Heart: God’s Beautiful Plan for Marital Intimacy, likens this marriage of opposites to two sides of an arch. Imagine two sides of a tall, graceful arch. Which side is more important? Right; neither. You have to have both sides of an arch—even though they are opposite—to make it complete. Without both sides—both opposites—the whole thing collapses.
Put simply: You are God’s gift to your spouse. For those of you who are married or going to be married, turn to your spouse and say, “I am God’s gift to you.” Now do this, say, “You are God’s gift to me.” We need to recognize that our spouse is a gift from God. He has a purpose for bringing us together. He has a design for our marriage.
That design continues to be laid out in the next few verses. Adam, seeing his wife for the very first time, turns to her and says in Genesis 2:23-25 “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, 'for she was taken out of man.” 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
Chuck Swindoll, in his book, Strike the Original Match: Rekindling and Preserving Your Marriage Fire, notes that these verses point to four distinct aspects of God’s design for marriage: severance, permanence, unity, and intimacy. We’ll take them one at a time.
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother.” That’s severance. To sever something is to cut it off. The first thing we must learn to do in marriage is sever our relationship with our parents. Now, this doesn’t mean to cut all ties completely. After all, God’s word also tells us to honor our father and mother. So God wouldn’t have us get married and then never speak to Mom and Dad again. What it means is that we must remove our parents from the role of being the central emotional and relational fixture in our lives and give that role to our spouses. Think about it . . . no woman wants a man who thinks that he’s married to his Mommy, and no man should have to compete with Daddy for his wife’s attention.
There’s a good story I’ve heard that helps illustrate this point. A mother wanted to make a point at her son’s wedding reception. As the wedding party sat at the head table and they cycled through the speeches, she waited patiently for her turn. When the time came, she didn’t say a word, but simply stood up, opened a gift box and pulled one of her favorite and best aprons out of it. She held it high for all to see . . . and cut the apron strings off of it and gave them to her daughter-in-law. This mother understood that her role as being the primary emotional support was to be severed, and she each handed over that task to her child’s spouse, just the way it should be.
The second item, permanence, comes from God’s design that a husband and wife are to be united. The old King James Version says it eloquently: the husband is to “cleave unto his wife.”
A husband and wife have the task of cleaving, of clinging to one another. Now, you don’t cling to something that isn’t permanent. Permanency gives a sense of security. If you were in an old sailing vessel during a storm and were told to cling to something to avoid being washed out into sea, I would think that you’d choose the solid, central mast rather than choosing to cling to the barrels that were about to be thrown overboard. In the same way you must also cling to your spouse as being a permanent fixture in your life.
“Till death do us part” is a permanent kind of promise! When we enter into marriage, it cannot be with the intent of trying it out for a few years to see if it will really work out. Pastor Rick Warren points wisely points out that good marriages are a result of choice, not chance. Good marriages are a result of commitments, not convenience. There is a commitment that we must make in order to have permanency in marriage.
That commitment is that divorce is not an option. “Divorce” is not a word that belongs in the married couple’s vocabulary. Now of course I understand that some people are divorced. That’s not what we’re talking about. We’re not talking about the past—forget the past! But if you are in a married relationship now or plan to be in the future, make the commitment that you will not divorce.
Now just because you’ve cut yourself off from your parents and decided that you will never divorce from your spouse, does that ensure a great marriage? No, not yet. You also have to become one flesh. You still have to work to develop unity.
As we’ve already discussed, unity does not mean uniformity. You and your spouse will not and should not be identical. Unity in marriage does not mean you will never have a difference of opinion or that you will never argue. Unity speaks of becoming one flesh.
“One flesh” has an obvious physical element to it, but we’re going to cover that in the next point. So for right now let’s stick to the single, yet powerful word become. When we strive to become one flesh in our marriage, we have unity. It is a unity of purpose.
Think about that! “One flesh” means basically “one body,” “one organism.” In a marriage, becoming one flesh means being unified in the purpose of serving the greater cause of the marriage itself. Paul puts it this way in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.” In other words, “What I want” takes a back seat to what’s best for the marriage. It implies a total unselfishness, two people setting aside their own wants and desires and instead seeking to make the marriage work. That’s unity of purpose.
The final item on our list comes from the last verse of our reading in Genesis. Genesis 2:25, “25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
I don’t think I’ve ever said it from a pulpit before, so let me say it now: It’s good to be naked with your spouse! (For that matter, it’s just kind of fun to be able to say “naked” in the pulpit! Naked! Naked! Naked! J)
Intimacy in marriage has a physical component. That’s probably what our minds jump to right away. Physical intimacy in marriage is a wonderful gift from God. As a matter of fact, if you’ve got the mind to, go home and read the Song of Solomon. You’ll find an entire book of God’s Word dedicated to nothing other than the joys of married physical intimacy. Of nakedness. But there’s more to intimacy—to nakedness—than just bedroom time.
True intimacy in marriage also has an emotional component. And just like the physical aspect, the emotional aspect is a secret that just you two share. To be emotionally naked before your spouse is to lay everything on the line. There is nothing you will choose to hide from the other. Your hopes, your dreams . . . your failures . . . your shortcomings. They’re all out there, and you become totally transparent. I accept you for what you are and I trust that you accept me in the same way.
It’s remarkable to me that there are those who would never in a hundred years think of cheating on their spouse physically, but they will gladly rob their spouse of the emotional intimacy that is to be reserved for marriage. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve heard of a man who’s unwilling to say anything more than “Hrgh” to his wife but who somehow find it acceptable to go out to lunch with the ladies in the office and he’ll talk to them about intensely private matters for hours on end. That’s nothing less than emotional adultery. It’s taking something reserved for your spouse and giving it to someone else. Let me tell you right now: save “being naked”—both physically and emotionally—save “being naked” for your spouse. That’s part of God’s design for your marriage.
We’ve covered a lot of ground today. Obviously, there’s more to talk about in the coming weeks. But I recall saying once that even if I were to get up in the pulpit and talk for an hour, it still wouldn’t be a sermon unless I talked about Christ.
Your marriage—right now—I don’t care if it’s good or bad, on the rocks or on Easy Street . . . Christ is in your marriage because through it He tells us how far He is willing to go to save us. You know how good marriage is supposed to be? How good God designed it to be? Full of self-sacrifice and undeserved, endless love? The kind of love that makes a person say, “I know without a doubt that I am loved!”? That’s the way Christ loved us in His life and on the cross. And because of that He is with you in your marriage, working to help it be the best marriage it can be, even to the point of dying for you, so that in your marriage you can understand how much Christ loves you.
In his letter to the Ephesians, the Apostle Paul speaks of marriage, of the various duties of the husband and wife, and he says, “25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery-- but I am talking about Christ and the church.”
Christ’s relationship with His Church is so good, so right, so beautiful, that Paul talks about marriage, and then about Christ . . . and he seems to get lost in which one he’s talking about. Paul can’t imagine a marriage without Christ, and he can’t imagine Christ without picturing marriage. That’s how Christ fits into your marriage—He loved it and gave His life for it.
Lord, we thank you for the gift of marriage. But more than that, we thank you for the gift of Jesus Christ. We thank you for His love that is always patient, always kind. We thank you that Christ’s love for us is not self-seeking and keeps no record of wrongs. In Christ, your love for us never fails. Help us to live out our marriage with that same kind of love. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Shepherds and Sheep
A young boy gathers his friends around and he proposes an idea to build a tree-house. In that very moment, he is a shepherd. He is a leader. A mother comes home and discovers her children haven’t gotten the dishes washed yet, and orders them all to the kitchen to complete their chore. In that moment, she is a leader. An old man sits with his friends at the coffee shop and begins to tell them all exactly what’s wrong with the country. The all listen intently and agree with his evaluation. In that moment, he is a leader.
See, leadership has very little to do with position or authority. It has almost nothing to do with a big desk or a fancy title. What leadership has to do with is very simple: influence. Leadership is influence. Whenever you influence another person’s thoughts, whenever you influence another person’s actions, you are providing leadership for them. Leadership is influence, and using influence properly is good shepherding.
It doesn’t matter who you are—male or female, old or young—there are opportunities that God brings to us each and every day to be a shepherd. God takes leading very seriously. So let’s take a few minutes and talk about how God would have us lead—how God would have us shepherd—those people we come into contact with.
To get at that, let’s look at the Old Testament reading for today. In Jeremiah 23:1-6 we hear the Lord speaking harshly to wicked shepherds. We have a list of four negative examples of shepherding that Jeremiah gives us. In verse two the Lord says that the shepherds have scattered the flock, driven them away, and not bestowed care. Verse four adds a fourth item—terrifying the flock—to our list.
Who are these cruel, abusive shepherds? If you page back just one chapter in Jeremiah you can read an entire chapter dedicated to God’s judgment against the evil kings of God’s people in Israel and in Judah. The “shepherds” of chapter twenty-three are those kings, and they had abused God’s flock of sheep—God’s people—so long that the Lord Himself finally came against them. Jeremiah 23:1-2 “Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of my pasture!" declares the LORD.”
These “shepherds” had violated one of the most basic rules of the servant-leader; they treated people like things. Instead of diligently feeding and nurturing the sheep, building up the flock in health and in numbers, they used the sheep for their own gain, and in so doing they had earned God’s wrath.
Because these “shepherds” had neglected the flock they were supposed to be caring for, the Lord, the God of Israel, says to them, “Because you have scattered my flock and driven them away and have not bestowed care on them, I will bestow punishment on you for the evil you have done.”
Shepherding—leading—is serious business to God. It requires care, tact, and a selfless attitude that says, “It’s not about me. It’s not about what I want . . . but what’s best for you.” And if we desire to use the shepherding opportunities God gives us every day for His glory, then we had better take a look at what to avoid.
The first thing a bad shepherd does is to scatter the flock. A scattered flock is a confused flock. There is disarray, not knowing where to go or whom to follow.
Now, this can certainly happen in the absence of leadership. If there is a leadership vacuum, if there is no one giving guidance, the sheep will naturally start to go in whatever direction their fancy takes them. This can happen if a leader is not a particularly strong leader.
But he children of Israel had a leader. Their ultimate leader was, of course God, but in His wisdom God saw to it that kings were appointed to be leaders for His people on earth. But these kings very often took it upon themselves to disrupt God’s plan for His people. Most of these kings sinned by turning the people away from their true leader, and in so doing these bad shepherds introduced confusion.
Now I doubt very much if any of us have influenced other people to turn from God to the worship of idols. But if we’re not careful, we too can introduce confusion and scatter the sheep. Imagine a little idle gossip at work, for instance. Maybe a few words of discontent. But instead of taking a complaint to the one in charge, a person chooses to spread their discontent around the water cooler, and before you know it they become the leader of a little group of sheep.
But what has really happened? The ringleader has turned people away from the true leader, and in so doing has introduced confusion. They have become a bad shepherd. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the home, the workplace, or at church; the chain of leadership has been violated and the sheep get confused and they scatter. To be good shepherds we must keep the sheep connected to their true leader, their true shepherd.
Not scattering the sheep is a shepherding lesson that we can apply everywhere, but the second example comes a bit closer to the doors of the church. The Hebrew word translated as “driven away” means to compel, to thrust away, to banish. The wicked kings of the Old Testament drove people away from the Temple, the place where they could meet with God, and instead turned them to idol worship. In other words, when the Lord complains of a bad shepherd driving away His flock He is complaining that the bad shepherd has forced them away from, instead of closer to, Christ and His church.
Now, I love all of you, and I love this church. But allow me to let you in on a little something. Churches of our size are by nature very much like a family. That’s a good thing—there is family love, care for fellow family members, acceptance of fellow family members. A family has a lifetime of memories together, and a family forms a strong, strong bond with one another. That’s something that pleases God, and it is something to be cherished.
But just stop and think for a second. The last time you were at a family gathering that wasn’t your family . . . you felt a bit like an outsider, didn’t you? Now, they could have been the nicest people in the world, they could have given you a great meal and you had a nice time . . . but still the whole while you were on the outside. Why? Because even though they tried to include you, you weren’t really family. You didn’t know everybody’s history, you didn’t know all the inside jokes, you didn’t know their particular family customs. So it probably happened that, even though they didn’t mean to, they still pushed you aside a bit.
See, while a church our size has great family moments, we must take extra special care to not let our family love for one another inadvertently drive away someone who’s not yet one of the family. So we first need to make an extra effort to invite other people to join our family. Once they come, we take extra pains to bring them in, to introduce them to other members of our church family, to help them make connections within our church family. Tell them a bit of our stories, explain our customs to them. Tell them about the story about the stained-glass window or let them in on the secret that the third pew on the right has always belonged to the Rupleys and always will! Share the family joys and the family hurts. Put forth a deliberate effort to make visitors and guests not just feel like, but become family, and the chances are drastically reduced that they will feel as though they had been driven away from Christ’s church.
We’ve moved from the outside in on these first two points, from leading/shepherding just about anywhere, to more specifically providing a shepherding care to our guests. But now I want to come all the way inside the sanctuary doors and apply the third point to just how we can shepherd our fellow church members.
We can think of “bestowing care” in Law and Gospel terms as both “love” and “tough love.” Tough love reminds us that we are our brother’s keeper, and that there are times when each of us needs to bring a loving word of rebuke to someone who is sinning. That word of rebuke, though it may seem harsh to say (and ever harsher to receive) nevertheless makes it clear that sin is a serious matter. If we truly love our fellow church members and desire to be a good shepherd to them, we will at times be forced to confront sin and the appearance of sin in their lives. In like manner we will also comfort them at the proper time with the assurance of Christ’s forgiveness.
But failing to do either of those? Failing to give a rebuke when it is needed? Rebuking someone when what they really need is Gospel comfort? That is a travesty. That is not loving. That is not shepherding. If we want to be good shepherds and bestow true care upon one another, we must not shrink from confronting sin face-to-face and also be prepared to fully and completely forgive when repentance has come.
The last item on the list is that a shepherd is not to terrify his sheep. The Hebrew word for “terrified” means to make a person dismayed. Shattered. I take it to mean that a bad shepherd wields power and influence in such a domineering way that it does not foster trust. Making people believe they have no worth.
How would it be if I, as a pastor, if I as a husband, if I as a father used my power so that I communicated to everyone in my life that they were of no use to me whatsoever? And not just to me, but that they were of no use to God either? That they had no purpose to fulfill, and that God had no use for them?
I would be a pretty poor shepherd, wouldn’t I?
If I’m going to a good shepherd, then I need to be sure to build value into people rather than taking it away. They have got to know not only that I value them, but that God places such a high value on their lives that He would be willing to shed the blood of His Son in order to tell them just how precious they are to Him. I need to love them, to cherish them, but even more than that I must point them to Christ who values them even more.
And in fact, that’s where Jeremiah ends up. The Lord gives a harsh rebuke to those wicked shepherds who have scattered and destroyed His people, the shepherds who have stripped His people of all value and left them in terror, but then immediately points us to the One who will shepherd us with wisdom, who looks upon us with love and favor, and raises us up to live again in Him.
Jeremiah 23:5-6 “5"The days are coming," declares the LORD, "when I will raise up to David a righteous Branch, a King who will reign wisely and do what is just and right in the land. 6 In his days Judah will be saved and Israel will live in safety. This is the name by which he will be called: The LORD Our Righteousness.”
Is there any wonder why the Lord chooses to end His speech by pointing us to Jesus Christ? The wicked kings of the Old Testament served only themselves, and in so doing they led the people astray, scattering and driving away God’s sheep. Apart from Christ we cannot lead wisely, we cannot shepherd well. But in Jesus Christ, the Lord our Righteousness, we have an eternal King, a Good Shepherd who pledges to us that we can live safely forever in Him.
Think of that! Jesus Christ as the Good Shepherd! Instead of scattering His sheep in confusion He comes and brings order and direction. Instead of casting them out He draws us every more closely to Himself. He lavishes care upon us, and we don’t ever need to be terrified of His rebuke because in His Gospel we know that we are priceless to Him, and that He has a plan and a purpose—a mission—for each of us.
I heard a song this past week that I haven’t heard for a few years. But when I heard it I was so moved, because as I listened to the words I realized that this song is sung from the heart of a young man who had a good shepherd in his life. This song is amazing, because not only does it point my soul to my shepherd Jesus Christ, but at the same time it also makes me look at those whom I’ve been given the task of shepherding. It makes me realize the greatness of my Good Shepherd, and it makes me want to become a better shepherd for others. I’d like to share that song with you now.
(lyrics provided below)
When I am down and , oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up, to more than I can be.
(Lyrics by Brendan Graham and Rolf Lovland. Performed by Josh Groban)
Dearest Lord,
We thank you for sending your Son Jesus Christ to be our Good Shepherd, our Savior, our King. Through Him we know that we are precious to You. We are the sheep of your fold, and we heed the voice of our Good Shepherd. Help us to walk in His footsteps, give us His shepherd’s heart, and let us lead your precious sheep in the ways of justice and righteousness. Give us the strength and the will and the opportunity to be undershepherds of the Great Shepherd. In Jesus’ most precious name, Amen.
See, leadership has very little to do with position or authority. It has almost nothing to do with a big desk or a fancy title. What leadership has to do with is very simple: influence. Leadership is influence. Whenever you influence another person’s thoughts, whenever you influence another person’s actions, you are providing leadership for them. Leadership is influence, and using influence properly is good shepherding.
It doesn’t matter who you are—male or female, old or young—there are opportunities that God brings to us each and every day to be a shepherd. God takes leading very seriously. So let’s take a few minutes and talk about how God would have us lead—how God would have us shepherd—those people we come into contact with.
To get at that, let’s look at the Old Testament reading for today. In Jeremiah 23:1-6 we hear the Lord speaking harshly to wicked shepherds. We have a list of four negative examples of shepherding that Jeremiah gives us. In verse two the Lord says that the shepherds have scattered the flock, driven them away, and not bestowed care. Verse four adds a fourth item—terrifying the flock—to our list.
Who are these cruel, abusive shepherds? If you page back just one chapter in Jeremiah you can read an entire chapter dedicated to God’s judgment against the evil kings of God’s people in Israel and in Judah. The “shepherds” of chapter twenty-three are those kings, and they had abused God’s flock of sheep—God’s people—so long that the Lord Himself finally came against them. Jeremiah 23:1-2 “Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of my pasture!" declares the LORD.”
These “shepherds” had violated one of the most basic rules of the servant-leader; they treated people like things. Instead of diligently feeding and nurturing the sheep, building up the flock in health and in numbers, they used the sheep for their own gain, and in so doing they had earned God’s wrath.
Because these “shepherds” had neglected the flock they were supposed to be caring for, the Lord, the God of Israel, says to them, “Because you have scattered my flock and driven them away and have not bestowed care on them, I will bestow punishment on you for the evil you have done.”
Shepherding—leading—is serious business to God. It requires care, tact, and a selfless attitude that says, “It’s not about me. It’s not about what I want . . . but what’s best for you.” And if we desire to use the shepherding opportunities God gives us every day for His glory, then we had better take a look at what to avoid.
The first thing a bad shepherd does is to scatter the flock. A scattered flock is a confused flock. There is disarray, not knowing where to go or whom to follow.
Now, this can certainly happen in the absence of leadership. If there is a leadership vacuum, if there is no one giving guidance, the sheep will naturally start to go in whatever direction their fancy takes them. This can happen if a leader is not a particularly strong leader.
But he children of Israel had a leader. Their ultimate leader was, of course God, but in His wisdom God saw to it that kings were appointed to be leaders for His people on earth. But these kings very often took it upon themselves to disrupt God’s plan for His people. Most of these kings sinned by turning the people away from their true leader, and in so doing these bad shepherds introduced confusion.
Now I doubt very much if any of us have influenced other people to turn from God to the worship of idols. But if we’re not careful, we too can introduce confusion and scatter the sheep. Imagine a little idle gossip at work, for instance. Maybe a few words of discontent. But instead of taking a complaint to the one in charge, a person chooses to spread their discontent around the water cooler, and before you know it they become the leader of a little group of sheep.
But what has really happened? The ringleader has turned people away from the true leader, and in so doing has introduced confusion. They have become a bad shepherd. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the home, the workplace, or at church; the chain of leadership has been violated and the sheep get confused and they scatter. To be good shepherds we must keep the sheep connected to their true leader, their true shepherd.
Not scattering the sheep is a shepherding lesson that we can apply everywhere, but the second example comes a bit closer to the doors of the church. The Hebrew word translated as “driven away” means to compel, to thrust away, to banish. The wicked kings of the Old Testament drove people away from the Temple, the place where they could meet with God, and instead turned them to idol worship. In other words, when the Lord complains of a bad shepherd driving away His flock He is complaining that the bad shepherd has forced them away from, instead of closer to, Christ and His church.
Now, I love all of you, and I love this church. But allow me to let you in on a little something. Churches of our size are by nature very much like a family. That’s a good thing—there is family love, care for fellow family members, acceptance of fellow family members. A family has a lifetime of memories together, and a family forms a strong, strong bond with one another. That’s something that pleases God, and it is something to be cherished.
But just stop and think for a second. The last time you were at a family gathering that wasn’t your family . . . you felt a bit like an outsider, didn’t you? Now, they could have been the nicest people in the world, they could have given you a great meal and you had a nice time . . . but still the whole while you were on the outside. Why? Because even though they tried to include you, you weren’t really family. You didn’t know everybody’s history, you didn’t know all the inside jokes, you didn’t know their particular family customs. So it probably happened that, even though they didn’t mean to, they still pushed you aside a bit.
See, while a church our size has great family moments, we must take extra special care to not let our family love for one another inadvertently drive away someone who’s not yet one of the family. So we first need to make an extra effort to invite other people to join our family. Once they come, we take extra pains to bring them in, to introduce them to other members of our church family, to help them make connections within our church family. Tell them a bit of our stories, explain our customs to them. Tell them about the story about the stained-glass window or let them in on the secret that the third pew on the right has always belonged to the Rupleys and always will! Share the family joys and the family hurts. Put forth a deliberate effort to make visitors and guests not just feel like, but become family, and the chances are drastically reduced that they will feel as though they had been driven away from Christ’s church.
We’ve moved from the outside in on these first two points, from leading/shepherding just about anywhere, to more specifically providing a shepherding care to our guests. But now I want to come all the way inside the sanctuary doors and apply the third point to just how we can shepherd our fellow church members.
We can think of “bestowing care” in Law and Gospel terms as both “love” and “tough love.” Tough love reminds us that we are our brother’s keeper, and that there are times when each of us needs to bring a loving word of rebuke to someone who is sinning. That word of rebuke, though it may seem harsh to say (and ever harsher to receive) nevertheless makes it clear that sin is a serious matter. If we truly love our fellow church members and desire to be a good shepherd to them, we will at times be forced to confront sin and the appearance of sin in their lives. In like manner we will also comfort them at the proper time with the assurance of Christ’s forgiveness.
But failing to do either of those? Failing to give a rebuke when it is needed? Rebuking someone when what they really need is Gospel comfort? That is a travesty. That is not loving. That is not shepherding. If we want to be good shepherds and bestow true care upon one another, we must not shrink from confronting sin face-to-face and also be prepared to fully and completely forgive when repentance has come.
The last item on the list is that a shepherd is not to terrify his sheep. The Hebrew word for “terrified” means to make a person dismayed. Shattered. I take it to mean that a bad shepherd wields power and influence in such a domineering way that it does not foster trust. Making people believe they have no worth.
How would it be if I, as a pastor, if I as a husband, if I as a father used my power so that I communicated to everyone in my life that they were of no use to me whatsoever? And not just to me, but that they were of no use to God either? That they had no purpose to fulfill, and that God had no use for them?
I would be a pretty poor shepherd, wouldn’t I?
If I’m going to a good shepherd, then I need to be sure to build value into people rather than taking it away. They have got to know not only that I value them, but that God places such a high value on their lives that He would be willing to shed the blood of His Son in order to tell them just how precious they are to Him. I need to love them, to cherish them, but even more than that I must point them to Christ who values them even more.
And in fact, that’s where Jeremiah ends up. The Lord gives a harsh rebuke to those wicked shepherds who have scattered and destroyed His people, the shepherds who have stripped His people of all value and left them in terror, but then immediately points us to the One who will shepherd us with wisdom, who looks upon us with love and favor, and raises us up to live again in Him.
Jeremiah 23:5-6 “5"The days are coming," declares the LORD, "when I will raise up to David a righteous Branch, a King who will reign wisely and do what is just and right in the land. 6 In his days Judah will be saved and Israel will live in safety. This is the name by which he will be called: The LORD Our Righteousness.”
Is there any wonder why the Lord chooses to end His speech by pointing us to Jesus Christ? The wicked kings of the Old Testament served only themselves, and in so doing they led the people astray, scattering and driving away God’s sheep. Apart from Christ we cannot lead wisely, we cannot shepherd well. But in Jesus Christ, the Lord our Righteousness, we have an eternal King, a Good Shepherd who pledges to us that we can live safely forever in Him.
Think of that! Jesus Christ as the Good Shepherd! Instead of scattering His sheep in confusion He comes and brings order and direction. Instead of casting them out He draws us every more closely to Himself. He lavishes care upon us, and we don’t ever need to be terrified of His rebuke because in His Gospel we know that we are priceless to Him, and that He has a plan and a purpose—a mission—for each of us.
I heard a song this past week that I haven’t heard for a few years. But when I heard it I was so moved, because as I listened to the words I realized that this song is sung from the heart of a young man who had a good shepherd in his life. This song is amazing, because not only does it point my soul to my shepherd Jesus Christ, but at the same time it also makes me look at those whom I’ve been given the task of shepherding. It makes me realize the greatness of my Good Shepherd, and it makes me want to become a better shepherd for others. I’d like to share that song with you now.
(lyrics provided below)
When I am down and , oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me
You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up, to more than I can be.
(Lyrics by Brendan Graham and Rolf Lovland. Performed by Josh Groban)
Dearest Lord,
We thank you for sending your Son Jesus Christ to be our Good Shepherd, our Savior, our King. Through Him we know that we are precious to You. We are the sheep of your fold, and we heed the voice of our Good Shepherd. Help us to walk in His footsteps, give us His shepherd’s heart, and let us lead your precious sheep in the ways of justice and righteousness. Give us the strength and the will and the opportunity to be undershepherds of the Great Shepherd. In Jesus’ most precious name, Amen.
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