There’s no secret that life together can be difficult at times. As we live out our lives we will encounter difficulties in relationships, whether we like it or not. I mean, the last time I checked there was no “Earth: love it or leave it” clause. If we live on Earth, we will be forced to interact with difficult people, and we will encounter difficult relationships.
Now just a quick word on the word “relationship.” When I say that word, I tend to think of something along the lines of “committed relationship.” And while the word certainly does mean that at times—it certainly can mean a romantic or family relationship”—it frankly has a much broader meaning. Quite honestly, you have some sort of relationship with every single person you meet. Some relationships are by nature very close, very intimate. There’s a high degree of emotional investment. This is your inner circle—your family, your friends. Other relationships are casual, with very little emotions involved. Still others are almost completely business-oriented, with nothing more than a transaction forming the basis for the relationship.
Of the three types, the one that causes the greatest joy is the one where there is the closest bond. But oddly enough, when that relationship is bad—when it is a relationship of “darkness”—then that same relationship has the potential to also give the greatest grief.
The reason for that extreme grief is because it is a relationship that is functioning in direct opposite to God’s ideal for our relationships. God’s ideal for relationships is based upon love. Not just any love . . . but His kind of love. The Apostle John says as much in 1 John 4:7 when he says, “7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.”
God’s kind of love is not just a lovey-dovey feeling . . . but real love. Love that is typified by Paul’s list from our epistle reading for today: Love that is patient. Love that is kind. Love that doesn’t envy or boast. Love that doesn’t get angry easily. Love that is not rude, not self-seeking. Love that rejoices with the truth. This is a love that always has the other’s best in mind. This is the love that God wants to govern our relationships.
But when we get away from that ideal of a self-giving love, we encounter what I’m going to call “darkness” relationships. These are controlled by anything other than true love. They are relationships:
· that hurt.
· Where trust is broken.
· Where confidence is betrayed.
· Where slander is made. Character assassination.
· Where opposition is always felt. Not a healthy check and balance, but opposition for the sake of opposition.
· Where love is conditional.
· Where the desire to dominate and control outweighs the desire to give and build up.
· Where there is abuse—physical, emotional, or spiritual.
· Where there is neglect.
· Where I find myself doing any of these things.
Even if I didn’t know you at all, I could be 100% sure that you have been in darkness relationships from time to time. We’ve all been in these relationships, where we have to deal with very, very difficult people. Is there anything in the Bible that can give us guidance for difficulties in relationships?
Let’s take a look at two Godly men. Paul and Barnabas are real heroes of the book of Acts. They traveled together extensively, preaching the Gospel wherever they went. Together the converted Pharisee and the “Son of Encouragement” were a force to be reckoned with. They were partners in God’s mission: sold out for the Gospel, absolutely committed to spreading the name of Jesus Christ . . . and still at one point their relationship suffered a bitter argument.
Acts 15:36-41 “36 Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, "Let us go back and visit the brothers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing."” Now this is a great thing! Paul wants to go back and encourage the Christians that they had worked among throughout the countryside. It’s a great plan . . . until . . . “37 Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, 38 but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. 39 They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, 40 but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. 41 He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.”
The “Mark” in question is a former companion of Paul and Barnabas. He had traveled with them, served with them, preached with them . . . but at one point he had had enough of the life of a traveling missionary and deserted them, leaving them and leaving unfinished work. What happened when they were making preparations for their next missionary journey? Paul and Barnabas—two heroes of the faith, two Godly men who had the full support and trust of the church—they had such a heated argument that their relationship fractured. They split up and went their separate ways.
What can we learn from that? Let’s take Paul’s side for a minute. The best lesson that we can learn from Paul is the lesson of saying, “No.” He said, “No.” Paul felt that he had learned his lesson with Mark. Fool me once, shame on you . . . fool me twice, shame on me. And so he said, “No.” “No, Mark . . . you betrayed me once, and I won’t let you do it again. No, Mark, you broke trust with me once, and I won’t let you do it again. No, Mark . . . you hurt me once, and I won’t let you do it again.”
This may seem odd. I mean, isn’t a Christian supposed to forgive and forget? Shouldn’t Paul have extended grace to Mark and said, “No matter what you’ve done in the past, I’ll still let you back into my life. C’mon on board!”
Well . . . no. No, he shouldn’t have. Paul understands a profound truth: that sometimes true love says, “No.” Imagine what was at stake when Mark left. The team was down one person, and so they all suffered. They often had to work to support themselves. With Mark gone, Paul and Barnabas would have to work harder to make enough money just to eat, which would leave less time for preaching the Gospel. Not only that, but he put the mission itself in jeopardy by setting a bad example for the new believers. When Mark left he modeled the very opposite of the one thing that they were really trying to instill in the people that they were reaching: a full commitment of following Christ at all times. Mark had abandoned the cause once before, he had put the mission itself in danger, and he had risked the tender, young faith of the new believers. So Paul’s love for Christ, for the believers, and even for Mark demanded that he say, “No.”
This is a hard lesson for some of you! But you’re not alone; my wife tells me that this is my problem, as well! We think that modeling Christian love means that we will say “Yes” at all times! We’ve become Yes-aholics! Always giving, always trusting . . . and yet always having our trust broken time and time again.
Is this the way God loves? Does He always say “Yes”? In the movie Bruce Almighty God gives Jim Carey all of His powers for a week . . . but He also gives Jim His responsibilities, as well. And in one very funny scene, all the prayers that Jim has been ignoring overwhelm him. He can’t stand all the voices in his head, and so he uses his new God powers to create a computer that answers “prayer-mail” and figures that he’ll make everyone perfectly happy by programming the computer to automatically answer “Yes” to every prayer!
Do you know what happens? Sure, some people are happy for a while, like the lady who lost 40 pounds on the Krispy Kreme diet, but the end effect is utter chaos. Two million people win the lottery . . . but they only get a payout of a dollar each, so in their anger they riot in the streets. The long-shot local hockey team miraculously wins the Stanley Cup . . . and the fans celebrate by rioting in the streets. The city is torn apart . . . all because “God” answered “Yes” to every prayer, granting people what they selfishly wanted instead of what they truly needed.
In our relationships we must love like God does, and that means knowing when to say, “No.” “No . . . I won’t let you hurt me anymore. No . . . I won’t let you hurt them anymore. No . . . I won’t let you hurt yourself anymore.” True love means that we must learn to say, “No” to darkness relationships.
Saying “No” is sometimes an expression of true love. This is what Paul understood. But what about Barnabas? What can we learn from him?
Barnabas is a nickname. It literally means “Son of Encouragement.” This is the life that Barnabas modeled; he was an encourager.
The encourager saw a young man who had made a mistake. But rather than turn his back on Mark for all time, he allowed Mark the chance to prove that he could be trusted again. He offered Mark a second chance, and worked with Mark to help him become the man God knew he could be.
Second chances are also a show of true love, but they cannot be second chances with no limits. I’m quite sure that Mark had complete and free reign to do whatever he wanted to do. Barnabas must have watched over Mark very closely, I’m sure that he was very careful in helping Mark to build up the trust that he had broken.
This is also God’s way of loving us. God gives us each gifts and watches how we use them. To the one who proves faithful, God gives more, because that person has earned more trust. Luke 12:48, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” When we mess up and sin, God forgives us completely . . . but neither will He immediately give us the trust that we had broken with Him. Instead, He watches and waits and helps us to build trust once again before He gives us more.
The key to a second chance in a darkness relationship is learning to say “yes” and “no” at the same time. “Yes, you are allowed back into my life, but no . . . I’m not going to give you the knife to stab me in the back.” Good second chances aren’t blind trust. Instead, they involve deliberate, planned opportunities to build trust, they foster moments to turn a darkness relationship into a good one.
In darkness relationships you need to be able to say both “yes” and “no”. There’s a time and a place for both. Unfortunately, it can be difficult sometimes to understand which one to say. But if you learn to do it properly, you will see your relationships transformed from the darkness of hurt and broken trust into the light of safe relationships with trustworthy people, where love is constant and unconditional . . . where there repentance over wrong and there is genuine care.
But one more thing before we go. No matter what else you’ve learned about yourself and relating to others, you must know this: No matter where your relationships are, you cannot try and find ultimate fulfillment in them. Every relationship you have will always fall short of being perfectly ideal . . . every relationship except one.
The first and primary and the only true “light” relationship is a relationship with Christ. In Him alone do we find true love, find true acceptance, find genuine relationship. Christ’s love for you is unconditional. A relationship with Him is the only relationship where we will never be disappointed, because in Him alone do we find what we truly need: forgiveness for our sins and reconciliation with God. And in Him, the strength of His relationship with us strengthens our other relationships, as well.
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